Love (un)Conditional

OK. This is going to be a long one, because some of the decisions I made, were for certain reasons that I will not go into here.

I went on a LONG journey, to find love, find purpose, a JOB, and in the end, myself. Still haven't found any of those... My trip started with this woman I had met online, on FaceBook. I had known her for about a year or so, and we had been poking each other back and forth on occasion, until I finally decided to send her a message, and see if she wanted get to know each other. We started chatting online for a while, then we exchanged phone numbers, and after her and I talked for a while, we found that we had a lot of the same interests, and were both attracted to each other. SO, her & I decided that maybe we should meet up, and if things worked out, I might possibly stay with her in her state. She lived only about 3-4 hours away, so it wasn't too difficult to meet her, at least once. We had planned on me getting up there, finding a job, and getting all kinds of help that I needed for many different things. After I arrived up there, red flags kept popping up all over the place, like her telling me about something she had done for revenge to her ex-husband, before they went for the divorce... I am kinda glad I didn't stay up there long enough for her to do anything to me...

After a few days of me being up there with her, an ex-girlfriend of mine, one that has had my heart for a very long time, who I had blocked from all my accounts on FB so that I could TRY to get over her, posted a message on the main feed, and I had a ton of messages from people I knew well & others I had never heard from before, telling me that she was trying desperately to reach me. All this, while I am up there with my new girlfriend. No, my ex had not left my mind, I thought about her every day, even when I received the message concerning her trying to reach me, while I was with my soon-to-be ex-girlfriend. I sorry, but if I am with someone, and I have someone else on my mind as much as I did my ex, I just can't be true to the relationship. It's not fair to the new girlfriend.

When I unblocked my ex from my accounts, and sent her a message asking her what was going on, she told me she missed me, she loved me, and she wanted to be with me. COME ON!!! How am I SUPPOSED to handle that?!?! I mean, this ex, she was one that I TRULY FELT that her and I would be together FOREVER. you don't get that feeling with just anyone, you know. What did I do? I told my ex, that I loved her and missed her as well, and always thought about her. Then I told my current girlfriend that I couldn't be with her, because someone else still has my heart, meaning I couldn't be true to her... She didn't like that decision AT ALL. Instead of letting us sleep, she wanted me OUT before the next morning. So, I had a friend of mine send me some money, I packed my things up, and I took off to head back home, and repack my things for a trip to another state. Mind you, before I had left the current girlfriend's place, I had asked the ex if this is something she TRULY wanted, and she replied YES. Even when I made it home, and called her to let her know I was on my way up there to be with her, I asked her again, if she was SURE she was ready for this; no more games, no more lies, no more running into the arms of some other dude on FB whenever we had an argument. She said yes. I begged her to PLEASE not break my heart again. I just couldn't take that again. She had crushed my heart before, and I just couldn't bear to have it destroyed yet again. After she told me she loved me and wanted to be with me, by phone, so I heard it in her voice, I packed up all I could fit in my truck, and started driving to her state. I begged, borrowed, and pleaded with SO many people to get up there to be with her, it was unreal. I drove for hours on end to get to her, so I could see her again, feel her close to me, hold her hands, and hug her tightly. all of this, was everything I had ever dreamed about, and it SEEMED at the time, to be coming true...

When I finally arrived at my ex's place, after driving hundreds of miles to get there, with only about three hours of sleep over 48 hours, we hugged each other so tightly, and I whispered into her ear, PLEASE don't let me go again. I dropped EVERYTHING in my  life, to be with her, to help her, to support her in any way possible... But that didn't exactly turn out the way I had hoped, either...

The next day after I had arrived, my ex-now gf receives a visit from a county employee for a mandated visit to the premises. Things didn't go well with that visit. Now, my gf-again begins to freak out, because of something she was told in this visit, that cold have a major impact on her life up there. I agree, it IS a really bad situation, but do you push the one that went there to BE supportive of you and do everything they can for you away?? She did. Very hard as well... She told me she loved me, but her actions were speaking WAY louder than what she was saying, and what she was doing was the complete opposite of what she was telling me when she said she loved me. I didn't know what to do, was afraid to say anything, because anything I said was shot down before it even left my lips... so I shut down, and was just there, trying to help out when I could, if she asked. I offered my help often, and tried to do many things without asking, but she didn't want me to do anything, but find a way back home. I tried to raise funds, with no luck, so she had to raise the funds on her own, to get me home.

She raised the money to get me home, and I packed my things up, we said our goodbyes, and I left before the two oldest children returned home. On my way out of her state, I was passing thru another state that I knew a good friend of mine was living in, and I messaged him to let him know I was in his state, and wondered if he wanted to meet up, seeing as how I was passing thru anyway, I didn't see any harm in it. Besides, there was a chance of me landing a job when I got there.

When I arrived in his little village, I was so in love with it, I wished a job was there for me when I got there, It was PERFECT!! Small, quiet, surrounded by mountains, great friends there. I had a room waiting for me when I arrived in this little village, and I set my things up in my room, took a shower, went downstairs to the bar and ordered a FINE meal, and just enjoyed the atmosphere there. I loved it so much, I DO wish I could go back there.  after my friend & I met up later that night, and drank ourselves silly & whooped the tar out of each other playing pool, he staggered home and passed out, while I went up to my room, jumped online to check a few things, and passed out myself. When i woke up the next morning, I packed my things up, tidied up the room, and left to go to my friend's house and wish him well, and thank him for everything him & his wife had done for me while I was there visiting them. We said out goodbyes, was happy to meet each other for the first time, took a picture of us together, and away I went to drive myself all the way back home, again...

And that is pretty much my trip for the past couple of weeks, trying to find love, get a job, and start over, so that I could get to see my son again, because his mother feels only two hours a week is all I am allowed to see him now, but that's not court ordered. Didn't find a job, don't know for sure about love, and I AM starting over, but back to square one, which is pretty much the same as before I left. If I have anything else to say or write, I'll make sure to do that when the mood strikes me.

Dreams...

The other night, I had a dream about someone I have not had a dream about in a long time... It was not a bad dream, it was a good dream, so let me describe it here...

I drove to her house, pulled up early in the day. The sun is out with a light breeze in the air, it's chilly, but not too cold/ I get out, I walk up to the door, enter, and I see she is sleeping but the kids are awake, playing quietly/ I go to the youngest, who wasn't doing anything but playing on the floor, and I bend down and whisper to him to be quiet, his mother is still sleeping. It's a small home, and in the dream, it didn't seem like I was visiting, it was more like I was coming home from work or a trip... I glance over at her beautiful face, sleeping. She's so peaceful when she's sleeping like that, it seems like she has not a care in the world.

Then, I wake up, remembering the entire dream, and I have been thinking about it ever since... I have been told not to see this as an omen, but I always have hope. Time flows constantly, and the future is never written in stone. Things can always be changed.

What I hope for, what I wonder, what I have always felt, was that the one I was dreaming about, was the one I have always been looking for. She seemed like the perfect one for me... I never truly give up hope. Am I a hopeless romantic? Most likely, yes. She never leaves my mind. Never leaves my thoughts. And now, she is back in my dreams...

I wish I knew what I could do to set things right, to fix them, to make us right again...

I just don't know what to do...

My life feels like it is spiraling further and further down into oblivion... And I am the reason why.

Right now, I feel lonely, desperate, and like a wild animal backed into a corner, with no way out.

First, what has led up to this point in time. I am stubborn, to a point. I give when I feel it is needed, but when I am asked to give too much, I break. I have relationship troubles with every relationship I have ever been in, even friendships. I don't even realize it until it is done... Am I afraid to get close to someone? yes, I will admit to that aspect. VERY afraid. Afraid I'll get hurt again, or even worse, I may hurt her. I don't want to hurt anyone, not anymore. It has never been done intentionally. It happens. It appears that I am one very difficult person to deal with, and no one has the power or the strength to want to stay with me, except for my friends. And even some of them don't stay around very long...

I am so afraid, and so alone.... And I have no one to fall back on, to talk to or to confide in. I used to, but she has enough problems of her own, she doesn't need to listen to mine. No one needs to hear my problems.

Tonight, I lost a very dear friend to me. It deeply hurt me to see her go like she did. I did everything I could to keep her by my side, but she chose not to stay. I cause too much drama for her... I pushed her away as well as everyone else..

My mind is full of clutter right now, and I am so afraid....

We'll be OK, won't we?

The one thing that matters
more to me than anything else
in the world... is you and me.
You are my world.
You're the one who gets all
my love and my wishes and my prayers.
But somehow... despite all my
best intentions,
I never feel quite safe enough
or sure enough
to rest assured that I'll always be
able to make you happy.
I need to know.
I need you more than my words can say.
I need to always feel
the warm peaceful feeling
that I get when you hold me.
I need to experience the beauty
of our love that I gently receive
when we caress.
I need for us to remember
all the love that has been given
and all the love that will unfold
each day, between the wonder of you
and the warmth of me.
And sometimes,
I just need to know
that we'll be OK... won't we?

-Jamie Delere

A story for my boys

                                         The Pineapple King

When I lived in Hawaii, I lived in a housing area located in a small place that was surrounded by pineapple fields. I heard from the locals that if you were caught stealing a pineapple, you would be fined $500 with possible jail time. Well really late one night I decided to go out and try and find one to bring back for everyone. I went deep into the fields, so I would be able to get a good pineapple and carry it back. Well, much to my dismay, I went a little too deep into the field, and as I was searching for a pineapple, a group of small human like creatures, only they had these odd-shaped crowns that looked like the top of a pineapple, and they were holding spears aimed at me. Of course I didn't try to fight them, because there were too many of them for me to fight off, so I went in the direction they directed me to go. We walked for a long while, and I noticed they were taking me to this small enclosed area, that had lightning bugs for lamps, and tiki torches that weren't lit.

As I looked around this small area, it appeared to be a hall of some sort, tho quite small, which fit well for these smaller beings. As we walked thru this area, I viewed a small stout creature sitting on what looked like a throne, and he did not look entirely pleased with my being there. He motioned for me to come to him, and sit in the chair next to him. I approached him, sat down, and looked at him waiting for his decision.

We sat there waiting for a few minutes, and he began by asking me why I was taking one of the pineapples from the field. I looked him straight in the eye, and told him that I wanted to take one back to my son in Ohio, because he had heard so much about pineapples, and I wanted to give him a true Hawaiian pineapple.

He was so touched by the reason for my taking the pineapple, that his heart melted, and we sat there and talked thru the night about his little country, and my boys. We discussed what he felt the pineapples were in his country, and what my boys meant to me.

As we began to hear birds chirping and the sky getting lighter each minute, he tells me he has to have his men take me back to my home, for if I stayed, I would not be able to get back to my boys, and he knew they would miss their father, and I would miss them. We gave each other a hug, and he had his men walk me back to the edge of the field close to my home, and I quietly went inside and laid down to sleep.

Stories for my boys 1

I created stories for my oldest son, that I have continued for my youngest son, and This will be the first story I had created for my sons. These were bed-time stories when told, but when asked, I would repeat them to the best of my abilities.

My Visit with the Aliens

 One night, as I was laying in bed reading a book, a strange light appeared, flashing in the side window of my bedroom. It was a soothing pulsating very light bluish colored light, and I set my book to the side so I could get up to check it out. As I get to the window to look outside, I get zapped, I blink, and the next thing I know I am not in my bedroom anymore!

As I stand there in a large room, with odd lights showing all over, some flashing some not, I walk towards the one that is in the shape of a door. As I walk across this large room, my shoes make this odd noise from the flooring. As I approach the doorway, I see that there is a special pad on the wall. Being curious, I place my hand upon the plate, and the doorway actually opens up, and allows me thru! I peek thru the doorway, not seeing anything any more different than what has already happened, and start walking. As I walk along this corridor, I see some very odd-shaped beings, that only glance and smile at me. One little (I'll call him fellow) fellow comes directly to me, takes my hand, and gently leads me in a specific direction that he hasn't made known to me...

We stroll along for several minutes, going this way and that, going thru one doorway to get to another, until he leads me to this one special looking door, and guides my hand to the little plate on the wall. As I place my hand on the plate, a door opens to a room that appears to be (I'm guessing) the Leader's quarter's. As we enter this room, I see two tall chairs, one occupied, one facing me, empty. So, I go to the empty chair and have a seat. This is when the other being turns his chair around to face me.

When he turned around and faced me, he introduced himself using some unknown language, then realized from the look upon my face that I had no clue as to what he was saying. So, out of nowhere, he says "Pleasure to make your acquaintance, you can call me Jerry." And so, began a long discussion about many things. He asked many questions about Earth, America, our livelihood as humans, and many personal questions about me and my life. We talked for hours and hours, but it felt like time stood still while we were talking about things.

As we were both winding down some, he asked if i wanted to be returned to my home. I thought for a little while, and remembered how I had family that would miss me if I didn't return, and replied "Yes, please."

We then came back to just over my house, and he told me I will wake up the next morning refreshed and ready for a new day.

I don't know what to do anymore...

OK. I am in a very bad point in my life right now. No job, no money, no help, and the one woman I love, doesn't want to tell me whether I should move on or stay...

First point of discussion, is no job. I was let go due to a lack of work, and unemployment is being a pain in the ass getting me any money of any kind. I have not been paid in over a month, and I cannot find another job, because I have no gas to get anywhere... What makes matters even worse, is that my license is suspended, because I don't have the money to get my license. I am home, alone, and very depressed, and I just don't know what to do anymore...

About this woman... This woman has more control over things than she lets on, and I have told her & told her to either let me go, so I can move on, or tell me we are going to be together. She doesn't want to do this, and it is KILLING me... I need someone in my life right now, because I have no one, except for my boys.. This woman means SO much to me, and I feel we both fucked up in certain decisions, but I was willing to overlook them, so that we could be together. But she can't seem to overlook them... I love this woman with all my Heart & Soul, and wish she would see this... I have done everything possible I can think of... I need guidance... Some people tel me, to just ignore her, let her be, and when I try, she comes back, making it so much harder to let go.

Some people are worried about me, and what I will plan to do, but even I don't know what to do... I feel at such a low point in my life, all alone... I need you....