Choices and Decisions...

Ok, if you haven't already noticed, I don't write in a clear path, I write what's on my mind. This is for releasing my thoughts, dreams, hopes, and fears. This next topic just came to me recently, and I felt I needed to put it down so I can read it to myself at a later date, to "reflect" in other words.


This is about big decisions, and the choices you make with these situations, and whether you should think on them, jump at the chance, or talk yourself out of them. This next topic, is about the big "M" word - Marriage. I have been married once. "Have" meaning I was married at one time, and I didn't think of the repercussions or what it would do to others when I took that chance. It was a rushed marriage, one I made because I talked myself into believing I was ready for it, and she had promised me things that I felt could happen. After it was all said and done, and I had moved to be with her, the promises didn't happen, and it felt as if she hadn't really wanted to get married, but to have a friend with her from where she originally lived, so she didn't feel so alone in her new location. It was nice, but when I moved there, I couldn't find a job anywhere, unless I wanted to work on base, where she was stationed. I didn't see that happening.
After three months, not being able to see my son, I told her I wanted to go back home. I couldn't be there. We were arguing over everything. I felt like a houseboy, being the one that stayed home all day. I'm used to working at a job, making money. I couldn't see myself being a House-Husband. I GOTTA work at a job, you know? So, we both decided to separate, and I was going back home.
That brings us to my next paragraph, where I have been contemplating the subject of Marriage. I have been engaged before. My youngest son's mother, was actually waiting for me to ask her hand in Marriage, but I didn't. I couldn't see myself just up and asking her to Marry me just because she had our son, who is in the photo below. We did not plan on him coming into our lives, but he did, and we are VERY happy and proud of him. He is a wonderful little three year old, that will turn four in a few months.
Her and I did not work out very well. We have been apart for some time, and it has become very difficult for me to see my youngest son unless I receive a lot of harassment or difficulty.
Now, this thing about marriage... Should you wait, until you truly know you are with the one you will be with, or if you get the feeling, should you take that chance? I have met someone that I am very willing to wait for, so we can find out. I am very comfortable with this woman, and she is comfortable with me. We haven't known each other for too long, but it feels like we should have known each other for years! It's amazing how she makes me feel. Sometimes, I wish I had met her long ago. Right now, our circumstances do not allow us to be together fully, but we do see each other, and talk with each other as often as possible.
I have been Married once before. I was foolish in deciding to get married at that time, because I married under the wrong reasons. I believe she feels the same way, and we have become civil with each other. It happened long ago, and I don't know where exactly she lives, but I don't think she is living on Ohio anymore.
This brings me to the topic at hand, Choices and Decisions. I never felt that I was good enough to get married again, the most recent Mother of my youngest had made it near impossible for me to really ask her with any feeling behind the request. With the way we were behaving towards each other, I didn't see the marriage going any better. She has now found her someone, and that leaves me with being able to find someone I can be truly happy with, now.

This woman I have met, I see myself being with her for a very long time. I see us creating a family together, and being happy together. I'm not saying Marriage is out of the question with her, but should we wait and see if we can work together, or should I ask? Like I said before, I am more than willing to wait for her. She will wait for me as well, I believe. She means so much to me. My young son likes her, which means a lot to me. I feel really happy and complete for the first time in a very long time. Thank you for understanding. I know, my writing style is very unorthodox, but it works, trust me. If you read all of it slowly, and thoroughly, you'll understand my thought process.

What to do, What to do...

Ok, I'm going to talk about Child Support. Yes, I pay it, and I'm not against paying it. I am actually FOR paying child support. What I do not agree with, is the way the CS system in OH treats fathers. I am not a Deadbeat Dad. I'll do anything I can for my two sons. BUT, when I have to pay out half my paycheck for them, and I'm struggling to make ends meet, it makes it very difficult.
you see, the issue I have, is both boys are form different mothers, in different Counties of OH. Child Support is paid to ONE location, but the separate locations do not talk to each other. SO, I am paying support for TWO children, as if I was paying support for ONE child, putting me behind in support payments, because my pay does not meet the amount that is "required" by the state for me to pay to each mother. So, I am struggling. Hard. For me to contest or request a change, I have to take time off from my job, which does not give me paid time off, to go on a trip to another county to ATTEMPT to ge the child support changed, because they had told me in person, that they do not have to take into account that I'm paying for another child in another County.

This whole system is really beating up the Fathers that WANT to be with their children, and WANT to be a part of their lives. It really hurts us all, mainly our children. It really hurts when you're called a deadbeat because you have to work mad crazy hours to be able to survive, which takes away from the time you could be spending with your children. I am deeply troubled by this situation, and neither me nor the mothers can deal with making our lives worse for each other by staying with each other "for the sake of the children". It;s just not fair to either of us.

OK, I can't think of much else to say, so I am complete for this posting.

My first Blog..

OK, I have never really blogged much before (tried writing a little on Myspace, but that seems to have died quietly) so bear with me, please.
I enjoy life. Not my own too much, but I do, really. Recently, I have met one of the most wonderful women I have ever known, and I can't really say we're dating or seeing each other, because her circumstances kindof prevent that right now, but hopefully soon, we can yell to the world, take out an ad in the local paper, contact the radio stations and announce that "YES, we have found each other, and are very happy with each other!"
Let me be honest with you; I have not led a very safe life. I used to sleep with many different women, sometimes three different ones in a day. That was way back when I was really young.
I don't like that anymore. I don't WANT that anymore. What I want, what I hope, is that I have found someone that I truly can spend the rest of my life with, and be happy. I am talking to no one else, seeing any other women, or even looking for any other women. I don't want to mess anything up with this wonderful woman I have met. I feel that with me writing this blog, it makes me feel really good that I am able to talk to someone about it. I have wanted to write a journal of things for some time now, and I am finally getting it done LOL. I'm not looking for followers, but if you decide to follow my blog, please be advised, they will be totally random, about different subjects, and possibly more than once a day.
I may post a picture or two, and write my feelings on the picture, or give a history of the picture, I don't know. I am doing this for my own reasons, and I will not be offended if you choose not to follow, or even read this or my future posts.
OK, I have said what I feel at this time, and I will write more at a later time =)