Dreams...

The other night, I had a dream about someone I have not had a dream about in a long time... It was not a bad dream, it was a good dream, so let me describe it here...

I drove to her house, pulled up early in the day. The sun is out with a light breeze in the air, it's chilly, but not too cold/ I get out, I walk up to the door, enter, and I see she is sleeping but the kids are awake, playing quietly/ I go to the youngest, who wasn't doing anything but playing on the floor, and I bend down and whisper to him to be quiet, his mother is still sleeping. It's a small home, and in the dream, it didn't seem like I was visiting, it was more like I was coming home from work or a trip... I glance over at her beautiful face, sleeping. She's so peaceful when she's sleeping like that, it seems like she has not a care in the world.

Then, I wake up, remembering the entire dream, and I have been thinking about it ever since... I have been told not to see this as an omen, but I always have hope. Time flows constantly, and the future is never written in stone. Things can always be changed.

What I hope for, what I wonder, what I have always felt, was that the one I was dreaming about, was the one I have always been looking for. She seemed like the perfect one for me... I never truly give up hope. Am I a hopeless romantic? Most likely, yes. She never leaves my mind. Never leaves my thoughts. And now, she is back in my dreams...

I wish I knew what I could do to set things right, to fix them, to make us right again...

I just don't know what to do...

My life feels like it is spiraling further and further down into oblivion... And I am the reason why.

Right now, I feel lonely, desperate, and like a wild animal backed into a corner, with no way out.

First, what has led up to this point in time. I am stubborn, to a point. I give when I feel it is needed, but when I am asked to give too much, I break. I have relationship troubles with every relationship I have ever been in, even friendships. I don't even realize it until it is done... Am I afraid to get close to someone? yes, I will admit to that aspect. VERY afraid. Afraid I'll get hurt again, or even worse, I may hurt her. I don't want to hurt anyone, not anymore. It has never been done intentionally. It happens. It appears that I am one very difficult person to deal with, and no one has the power or the strength to want to stay with me, except for my friends. And even some of them don't stay around very long...

I am so afraid, and so alone.... And I have no one to fall back on, to talk to or to confide in. I used to, but she has enough problems of her own, she doesn't need to listen to mine. No one needs to hear my problems.

Tonight, I lost a very dear friend to me. It deeply hurt me to see her go like she did. I did everything I could to keep her by my side, but she chose not to stay. I cause too much drama for her... I pushed her away as well as everyone else..

My mind is full of clutter right now, and I am so afraid....

We'll be OK, won't we?

The one thing that matters
more to me than anything else
in the world... is you and me.
You are my world.
You're the one who gets all
my love and my wishes and my prayers.
But somehow... despite all my
best intentions,
I never feel quite safe enough
or sure enough
to rest assured that I'll always be
able to make you happy.
I need to know.
I need you more than my words can say.
I need to always feel
the warm peaceful feeling
that I get when you hold me.
I need to experience the beauty
of our love that I gently receive
when we caress.
I need for us to remember
all the love that has been given
and all the love that will unfold
each day, between the wonder of you
and the warmth of me.
And sometimes,
I just need to know
that we'll be OK... won't we?

-Jamie Delere

A story for my boys

                                         The Pineapple King

When I lived in Hawaii, I lived in a housing area located in a small place that was surrounded by pineapple fields. I heard from the locals that if you were caught stealing a pineapple, you would be fined $500 with possible jail time. Well really late one night I decided to go out and try and find one to bring back for everyone. I went deep into the fields, so I would be able to get a good pineapple and carry it back. Well, much to my dismay, I went a little too deep into the field, and as I was searching for a pineapple, a group of small human like creatures, only they had these odd-shaped crowns that looked like the top of a pineapple, and they were holding spears aimed at me. Of course I didn't try to fight them, because there were too many of them for me to fight off, so I went in the direction they directed me to go. We walked for a long while, and I noticed they were taking me to this small enclosed area, that had lightning bugs for lamps, and tiki torches that weren't lit.

As I looked around this small area, it appeared to be a hall of some sort, tho quite small, which fit well for these smaller beings. As we walked thru this area, I viewed a small stout creature sitting on what looked like a throne, and he did not look entirely pleased with my being there. He motioned for me to come to him, and sit in the chair next to him. I approached him, sat down, and looked at him waiting for his decision.

We sat there waiting for a few minutes, and he began by asking me why I was taking one of the pineapples from the field. I looked him straight in the eye, and told him that I wanted to take one back to my son in Ohio, because he had heard so much about pineapples, and I wanted to give him a true Hawaiian pineapple.

He was so touched by the reason for my taking the pineapple, that his heart melted, and we sat there and talked thru the night about his little country, and my boys. We discussed what he felt the pineapples were in his country, and what my boys meant to me.

As we began to hear birds chirping and the sky getting lighter each minute, he tells me he has to have his men take me back to my home, for if I stayed, I would not be able to get back to my boys, and he knew they would miss their father, and I would miss them. We gave each other a hug, and he had his men walk me back to the edge of the field close to my home, and I quietly went inside and laid down to sleep.

Stories for my boys 1

I created stories for my oldest son, that I have continued for my youngest son, and This will be the first story I had created for my sons. These were bed-time stories when told, but when asked, I would repeat them to the best of my abilities.

My Visit with the Aliens

 One night, as I was laying in bed reading a book, a strange light appeared, flashing in the side window of my bedroom. It was a soothing pulsating very light bluish colored light, and I set my book to the side so I could get up to check it out. As I get to the window to look outside, I get zapped, I blink, and the next thing I know I am not in my bedroom anymore!

As I stand there in a large room, with odd lights showing all over, some flashing some not, I walk towards the one that is in the shape of a door. As I walk across this large room, my shoes make this odd noise from the flooring. As I approach the doorway, I see that there is a special pad on the wall. Being curious, I place my hand upon the plate, and the doorway actually opens up, and allows me thru! I peek thru the doorway, not seeing anything any more different than what has already happened, and start walking. As I walk along this corridor, I see some very odd-shaped beings, that only glance and smile at me. One little (I'll call him fellow) fellow comes directly to me, takes my hand, and gently leads me in a specific direction that he hasn't made known to me...

We stroll along for several minutes, going this way and that, going thru one doorway to get to another, until he leads me to this one special looking door, and guides my hand to the little plate on the wall. As I place my hand on the plate, a door opens to a room that appears to be (I'm guessing) the Leader's quarter's. As we enter this room, I see two tall chairs, one occupied, one facing me, empty. So, I go to the empty chair and have a seat. This is when the other being turns his chair around to face me.

When he turned around and faced me, he introduced himself using some unknown language, then realized from the look upon my face that I had no clue as to what he was saying. So, out of nowhere, he says "Pleasure to make your acquaintance, you can call me Jerry." And so, began a long discussion about many things. He asked many questions about Earth, America, our livelihood as humans, and many personal questions about me and my life. We talked for hours and hours, but it felt like time stood still while we were talking about things.

As we were both winding down some, he asked if i wanted to be returned to my home. I thought for a little while, and remembered how I had family that would miss me if I didn't return, and replied "Yes, please."

We then came back to just over my house, and he told me I will wake up the next morning refreshed and ready for a new day.

I don't know what to do anymore...

OK. I am in a very bad point in my life right now. No job, no money, no help, and the one woman I love, doesn't want to tell me whether I should move on or stay...

First point of discussion, is no job. I was let go due to a lack of work, and unemployment is being a pain in the ass getting me any money of any kind. I have not been paid in over a month, and I cannot find another job, because I have no gas to get anywhere... What makes matters even worse, is that my license is suspended, because I don't have the money to get my license. I am home, alone, and very depressed, and I just don't know what to do anymore...

About this woman... This woman has more control over things than she lets on, and I have told her & told her to either let me go, so I can move on, or tell me we are going to be together. She doesn't want to do this, and it is KILLING me... I need someone in my life right now, because I have no one, except for my boys.. This woman means SO much to me, and I feel we both fucked up in certain decisions, but I was willing to overlook them, so that we could be together. But she can't seem to overlook them... I love this woman with all my Heart & Soul, and wish she would see this... I have done everything possible I can think of... I need guidance... Some people tel me, to just ignore her, let her be, and when I try, she comes back, making it so much harder to let go.

Some people are worried about me, and what I will plan to do, but even I don't know what to do... I feel at such a low point in my life, all alone... I need you....

How Emotional can a guy be before he's considered a wuss?

Hello! I know it's been a while since I last posted, but I am going to try and keep writing this thing at least once a week. I have needed to write before now, but never had the time or energy to do it. What I am writing about today is Love, relationships, and how I feel. It makes me feel better to write about it, rather than keep it inside.

Have you ever had that one person you could not get out of your head? That one person that made you feel so good inside, that you could not see yourself without them, for whatever reason? I have that problem now, and it really sucks, because I can't tell if she feels the same way or not... She TELLS me she does, but her actions do not show it at all. Makes me wonder WHY she wants to keep me in her life, when she seems to have moved on pretty well. I have tried to remove her from my life so that I could move on, but she always comes back wanting me close to her... But she has a boyfriend, and I can't see myself as "just a friend" to her this soon after her and I broke up.

The reason her and I broke up was because of several reasons, and I'm not going to blame them all on her. I did my fair share of things, trust me. We used to keep in contact every single day, see each other online every single day, talk to each other every single day. When her and I first met a few years ago, it was as friends, and friends only. Neither one of us had ever thought to talk to each other and find out that we had a liking for each other. This year, after a period of separation from each other, we started talking to each other again, and we both found out that we liked each other more than as just friends. The biggest hurdle we have, is that we live several states away, but within a fairly reasonable driving distance, if either one decided to move to be with the other for good.

We met online thru FaceBook. We became good friends thru talking with each other. We became fairly close as friends, then there was an incident involving other people that resulted in us losing contact with each other. I always thought about her, always wanted to call her or message her, to see how she was doing, because I was worried about her. This year, we finally started talking again, and things took off with us. I was able to get a way up to see her in person, so that we both could be sure that we were compatible, and while I was there with her, I felt so at home, it didn't even seem like I had left... I felt so at home being there with her, I didn't want to leave, but I had to leave... Her and I would talk ALL day EVERY day after I came home, and the feelings I had for her grew so strong, I was not familiar with them, and I pushed her away.... There was a day where I was not able to talk to her, see her, or message her, and it drove me bonkers... We had been fighting during the week before that day, and after not being able to contact her, I realized that she was the one I was to be with... But it seemed as tho I was too late, because she had removed me as being her boyfriend on FB, and put herself into another relationship with some guy from across the globe... Yet, she still wanted to keep in touch with me...

I blocked her and removed her from all my accounts, so that she could move on with her new boyfriend, and I could move on to find someone else, but I wasn't exactly on the search for anyone... I always thought about her, was dreaming of her, missed talking to her, and seeing her... Then she contacted me thru a mutual friend... She missed me, she loved me, she wanted to be with me, but she was scared of getting hurt again...

I have explained to her how I felt, and what I wanted, and who I wanted to be with. But she doesn't believe me.. She still tries to keep in contact with me, and with her doing this, I can't move on myself... It really hurts, because I want to know exactly what is going on, because I feel I can't really move on unless there is true closure, and it feels like I am being strung along with no real answer... I feel so lost without answers...