Confessions of a Father

I am a father. I'm single, in a sense. I have two children, both boys, from two different women. I readily admit that I have made some choices that were not sound, but I have to live with those choices. I'm not happy with those choices completely, but I make due with what I have. My oldest boy, just recently acquired his driving permit. I found that out from reading his mother's posts on Facebook. I am not The World's Greatest Dad, not by a long shot, but I try. I try really hard. It really hurts when my oldest doesn't really want anything to do with me... I always wanted to be there for him, do things with him, have fun with him... I love my son. Truly, and deeply. I wish I was able to talk to him more, share things with him, hear him share things with me... But it doesn't seem as if he really wants me in his life, and that really hurts.
Him and I live a couple of hours away from each other, and with gas prices the way they are, it is very difficult for me to go see him on a regular basis. I wish I was able to, but finances prevent me from being able to see him regularly. I used to try and call him, but many times, when I tried to call, no one would answer the phone, nor return my call, so I gave up. I used to get him for a period of time during the summer, when he didn't have school, and we used to do many things together, but work kindof got in the way of us spending a lot of time together. over the past couple of years, as he has been getting older, we have had big arguments, and I apologize to him for the arguments. I hope one day, he will want to see me more, to learn more about his father, and understand us more. I really miss my son... I love you...
My youngest, I am doing what I can not to make the same mistake, and I am doing everything I can to spend time with him, help him grow, and let him know that his father really does love him. My youngest truly does love his dad, and tells me many times that he loves me. I tell him often that I love him as well, and we spend lots of time together, doing many different things. I love that boy, as much as I love my oldest, and I hope my oldest understands and sees that I CAN be a good father, even with the situation being the way it is right now.
Circumstances with both mothers prevented us from staying together. I would rather not go into details about that just yet, because this isn't about them, but about my two sons. I'm not saying that I don't more, because that is always an option, but it's not a guarantee at this time.
Both boys were not planned, not by either party in the relationship. But I love both boys very much, and hope to still be in their lives for their futures. They will always be a big part of my life, and I will make my decisions based on them, to have them in my life.

I am really torn about how to heal the wounds between my first son and me. I really want a relationship there, a good one, but I am afraid of going to him and attempting to open the dialog between us. We are so different from each other, yet so similar, it's scary. I don't know what else to say about this... I hope my son will want to see me, and begin anew with a relationship, so we can be strong.